I get letters from journalism students and other assorted weirdoes wanting to know how I go about putting together a column five days a week.

“I have to write a term paper for my JRL 101 class,” began one recent letter, “and I have chosen you as my topic. I want to know, in at least 2000 words, how you go about putting together a column five days a week.

“I need your response no later than two weeks from Friday. Please double-space and try to avoid typographical errors as the instructor counts off for that.”

The student who wrote that letter will probably grow to be a good columnist. Getting other people to do your work is a cornerstone of the profession.

Since it is impossible for me to answer all such inquiries, I have decided today to interview myself on the subject of writing a column for the benefit of interested students and my boss.

I know my boss is interested because just the other day he asked me, “Grizzard, how can you do this to me five days a week?”

Here, then, is the interview, conducted in my office, which is located near the men’s rest room and which recently got new carpet the color of river water near a chemical dump. I am using an IBM Selectric II typewriter which makes strange sounds like a semi hauling hogs through Holly Springs, Miss., on a hot July afternoon:

What does a semi hauling hogs through Holly Springs, Miss., on a hot, July afternoon sound like?
“Grrrrrrrroooooooooink!”

When your IBM Selectric II typewriter makes that sound, what do you think of?
The odor of overcrowded hogs in a steam bath and possible death by electrocution.

Has anybody ever suffered serious injury or even death in an accident involving an electric typewriter?
Yes. One day a skinny religion reporter got his tie hung in the paper roller of his electric typewriter. In a vain attempt to remove it, he rolled his head into his machine and was typed to death by a lower case “j” and an out-of-control ampersand.

Do readers sometimes call and suggest column ideas to you?
Every day. Recently, an anonymous caller suggested I do a column on the most handsome, best-dressed sportscaster on Atlanta television.
Did you follow-up on the suggestion?
Of course not. I knew it was Harmon the minute he mispronounced “Robert Hall.”

As a columnist, do you have opportunities for exciting travel and adventure?
You betcha. Just in the last two months, I have been to Memphis and Birmingham. Memphis was closed after dark and under martial law, but the hotel in Birmingham had one of those neat, revolving restaurants like the Hyatt Regency in Atlanta. Unfortunately, the one in Birmingham was in the basement.
Last year, I got to go to the Indianapolis 500 automobile race. What an interesting event that was. It was the most mental illness I have seen at one time.

Approximately, what are your working hours?
I am on call 24 hours a day. No story is ever too big or too small for a good columnist. If the bartender forgot to tell you the office called, however, it’s not your fault.

Who are the most difficult people to interview?
Those whose names recently appeared in the obituary column, anybody in Harrison’s on Friday night with a wedding ring in his pocket, and Korean soccer players.

Is it a strain on your health to write five columns a week?
Absolutely not. I have migraine headaches, stomach pains, dizzy spells, nightmares, hallucination, ingrown toenails, smoker’s cough, and my back is stiff. Other than that, I am in perfect health for a 65-year-old malaria victim.

Is it necessary to drink to be a good columnist?
That is a common myth, but a young person setting out on a career as a columnist should avoid drinking at all costs. It is certainly not necessary to drink to be a good columnist. It is a great help on the days you are a bad one, however.

In summary, then, what is the most difficult part of writing a daily column: a) the research; b) the actual writing; c) the need for a constant flow of the creative juices; or d) crazies threatening to break your hands?
E) Admitting to myself I can’t hold down a regular job.